Monday, September 10, 2007

That's what Life should be made of


That's what Life should be made of
Originally uploaded by BoSi Himself.

Dude. I should not have done it. I should not have really tried the Ben & Jerry's.

I like ice cream. I don't know if I love ice cream, but I like it very much. I hardly ever, almost never, buy it though. Because 1. I can totally live without it and 2. If I buy it, I'll just eat it right?

When I was a kid there was only like one brand of ice cream my mom would buy - it was a local dairy who stocked their ice cream in the grocery store. My mom only really liked maple nut ice cream. My dad only really liked vanilla with chocolate sauce. So I don't know, between the two choices I just never really was that thrilled with either flavor. I was more of a strawberry girl. And my mom would never buy strawberry so there you go.

As an adult I will get ice cream on a weekend - something to go do with my husband or with the kids or something. Kirk likes vanilla and sometimes I will get natural vanilla for him from the grocery store. But that's about it.

So why on a whim at the grocery store the other day did I decide to try Pistacio Pistacio by Ben & Jerry's? I really can't explain it. It was a complete impulse buy. And then at the last minute the Willie Nelson's Peach Cobbler was calling to me too and I bought both. And here's the worst part...eventually, over the course of the weekend, I ATE both.

Yikes.

And guess what? They were heavenly. Seriously, ridiculously heavenly. I thought "who on earth are these hippie middle aged men from Vermont to be serving up nirvana in the form of some frozen cream"? It's horribly, horribly good. And heavenly...did I say that already? Did I mention Nirvana?

Anyway. With both containers successfully emptied I thought I could move on...get it out of my head. I got that little episode out of my system, no reason to buy that evil peach ice cream ever again (okay the pistacio was awesome but the peach...I think it's the one food I would pick when they pose that question "if you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life" I would totally pick that dang ice cream).

So I was at the circle K tonight and I accidently ran into my good friends Ben & Jerry. And they coerced me into buying another new flavor "Peanut Butter Cup". I've managed to safely lock it away in the freezer for now but my resolve is wearing thin.

This is bad, yes?

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Pool Dreams


In the Shade of the Orange Tree
Originally uploaded by bandanamomaz.

Ever wonder how much something that sticks in your head affects your future?

There was a commercial when I was a young teenager; the link is here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=PyWM7kE5nds

(I tried embeding it but I am doing something wrong)

It's a very short commercial, a Chanel No. 5 commercial from 1979 - so I would have been 12-13 when this came out. I absolutely loved it. I can't describe what it was exactly - even as I watch it now on Youtube I am annoyed that the quality is not as good as it could be and it has the annoying Marshall Fields tag on it. The origianl commercial was somehow magical to me.

When we built our pool I told Kirk I wanted white plaster, even though almost everyone gets pebbletech now. I don't like the look of pebbletech - but the real reason why is this commercial. I wanted that deep blue that you can only get when the water reflects off the light.

I had not seen this commercial since at least the early 80s when I was making my request for white plaster a few years ago. But it stuck with me so much that it seemed uber important that it be done that way. And I stand by that decision. I have a much more emotional connection to the color of my pool than people with the less old-school version I chose.

I found that commercial on youtube and I realized something. The shape of the pool? It's the exact shape of the pool we have. Apparently I was even more influenced by this commercial than I thought.

It's just one of the little things in life that makes me happy - being able to look out my french doors while I am on the computer most of the day working, being able to see the pool.

Now if only I had been equally influenced by the shape the woman is in that commercial.

I can do without the guy in the speedo though.

But I do love Chanel No. 5.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

80s



Originally uploaded by duchamp blinks.

And here's another level Marie Antoinette works on - and I guess mainly the movie, but in a way, the real Antoinette too -

It's like a giant replay of the 80s. And heaven knows I loved the 80s. Why? Because it was just fun. So much of everything we do IS NOT fun anymore.

I was teen in the 80s, so that right there made them a lot more fun for me than they probably were for a lot of other people. And mainly, I remember all the best parts about the 80s - it's not as if there weren't bad parts. But it was kind of weird innocent time in a way. The music was sort of all fluff and nonesense, but there was that punky edge everywhere to everything. My mom used to always wax nostalgic about the 50s and how they had so much fun and it was such a relaxed and fun time. I think in some ways the 80s were like that too - of course my mom didn't see that during the 80s, but there are similarities. We felt like we were a long ways away from things like War - oh, yeah, there was the cold war, but I think a lot of us kids thought that was our parents fears exaggerated - I don't think we really hated Russia the way our parents seemed to - we sort of figured out that Mikhail Barishnikov was from Russia and so...well, they couldn't be all that bad could they? So war seemed sort of ...well, really UNLIKELY and at the end of the day, we just wanted some fun music and some good shoes and to be able to dance.

It's sad to me that my kids are growing up in an era of what seems to be endless war and conflict. These are not new things - these kinds of things have happened all throughout history, but I was born during during the war in Vietnam and by the time I was old enough to understand what that was it seemed like a long, long ways off in the past. I honestly never imagined a future where my kids would live with the images of war on a daily basis. It's like they really don't get to have that luxury of not knowing. I liked not really knowing.

Marie Antoinette liked not really knowing. But then again, look what happened to her.

Punk was a movement meant to upset the balance of things, but what really upset the balance of things were ideas like "trickle down economics". Poor people became MUCH more poor during the 80s. Rich people started getting A LOT richer. Things began in the 80s which continue today, with the wealthiest people trying to hold on to a lifestyle which excludes more and more people every day.

I relate to those poor people - but if I'm being honest, I have to admit I'm hanging on to my wealth in the same way - I just don't have as much of it as the people I criticize the most.

But money has really become an abstract concept to me...over time. But that's probably a blog for another day.

But I did so love the 80s.

How great is it that Sofia Coppola put a pair of Converse in the background in Marie Antoinette?

Marie Antoinette


Marie Antoinette
Originally uploaded by hannahkarina.

The story of Marie Antoinette is interesting on several levels. It's kind of a reverse fairy tale - which is sort of tragic, but fascinating. Many little girls dream of growing up to be a princess. Marie always was a princess and grew up in Austria, then at 15 she was shipped off to France to marry Louis the Sixteenth, who was sort of a big nerd, but someday to be king of France. And in the meantime, while she was waiting to be Queen someday, she used her time really getting into fashion, decorating, and generally hanging out with her friends in the palace. I don't think she even really wanted to be Queen - she did in the sense that she had a religious conviction about it, but I don't think her desire ever was to really rule France. And once she did become Queen her fall was sort of a foregone conclusion, because by then, with all her exhorbitant spending during a time when most of the people in France were literally starving - well, it was a revolution. That's a huge simplification of what really happened.

But it's an interesting and cautionary tale I think about what it really means to be a princess...or a prince.

It's also kind of a tale about what happens when you get EVERYTHING you want. Not always good. Sometimes there are really awful consequences to that, which catch up eventually.

But ulimately you can't sort of help but feel a little sorry for old Marie Antoinette, who was really just a product of her time, and her circumstances. She unrealistically idealized the concept of peasant life, even to the point of building a small recreated Hamlet on the grounds of Versailles where she could have goats, and crops and cows and pretend to be common. But all the while she was doing that she had other people out there milking the cows for her and keeping everything up for her so she could flit around in her cotton frock and "pretend" to be a milkmaid. It's sort of pathetic. But it's not really her fault either. How would she know anything of a peasants life? She lived her entire life inside the walls of palaces and castles, only passing through the countryside in her fabulous carraige.

Sometimes this makes me think of people here in the United States, people who we vote for, people who end up ruling our country. Often, these people were raised wealthy enough that poverty is merely a concept. They have no practical experience with it.

It's easier to feel sorry for Marie Antoinette and hard for me to feel sorry for say, George Bush though. Mainly because Marie Antoinette had absolutely no choice in the matter. She could not refuse to be a princess or a Queen.

I have other thoughts on this too ---

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Lately


Leonie Powder Revisited
Originally uploaded by eyecandyforthebrokenhearted.

I'm sort of obsessed with Marie Antoinette. It started with a great book I've been reading "Abundance". Then I finally saw the movie Marie Antoinette Directed by Sofia Coppola (who I love by the way). And she was apparently interested in Marie Anoinette in much the same way I am. Now a friend has recommended the soundtrack - which I know I did like while I was watching the movie but I was arrested by the movie and didn't pay a lot of attention to all the music specifically. But I absolutely ADORE this soundtrack. It's the greatest mix of good 80s music (siouxie & the banshee's) with some classical and great new indie (the radio dept.).

More thoughts on Marie Antoinette later.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Scone Palace Peacock


Scone Palace Peacock
Originally uploaded by bandanamomaz.

This is my most favorited image on flickr. It's also the photo published in this month's JPG magazine. A lot of people have asked to buy the photo so I've set up a new website highlighting all of our photgraphy at: haysphotos.com

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Pacific Coast Highway


Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park 5531
Originally uploaded by AvarusMentis.

I have wanderlust today. I started planning a trip to California for Kirk and I. He can't get away until fall so mostly I will have to be satisfied with thinking about it for now...I love the pacific coast highway. It's a very magical place. It always seems impossible to me that people actually live there and can go to the beach or see the ocean...SMELL the ocean, every day. How could anyone ever be unhappy if you lived on the beach?

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Normal Heights


Normal Heights, San Diego
Originally uploaded by tobo.

O.K., so Back to Normal...whatever that means.

Back to normal right now means I have almost caught up on 2 months of laundry (seriously), drive back and forth to dive meets, swim meets and sit at the pool for a while every day, go to the movies with kids, try to keep cool, try to keep the house clean, think about taking another class (just thinking right now, need a SHORT break), doing church junk I don't want to do, trying to find time to have lunch w/ friends and failing in that pursuit most of the time. So yeah....normal summer stuff.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Exam time


Exam time
Originally uploaded by mr_phillip.

Finished! A's in both classes! YEAH!!!!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Provo, Utah


Provo, Utah
Originally uploaded by BellePhotos.

I looked for photos on flickr that would somehow convey Utah or Provo and while this isn't exactly what I was looking for, I sort of love it. It's an interesting diptych. Both photos are taken on campus here at BYU - on the right is the Harmon building which is where the department who governs my particular degree here (through independent study) is located. Also, as an undergrad here in the 80s, my ward met in that building. So it's oddly appropriate, plus, I just like it.

My entry doesn't have a whole lot do with anything related to the photo though.

Everytime I get off the plane in Salt Lake a few things occur to me - well actually things start to occur to me before I ever even get on the plane.

1. I have never seen so many people "pre-board" on Southwest as the people who are traveling from Phoenix to Salt Lake - and it doesn't occur as much in reverse (though theoretically it should...could be the time of day I am flying), "Pre-board" are people who have children under the age of 5 or the Elderly, especially those in wheelchairs. There are scads of both and all of the families are usually big families. So it might be a family with 6 kids and one of them happens to be under 5. With Southwest there is "open seating" so this kind of annoys some people, although it doesn't annoy me. I just notice it as some kind of phenomenon particular to people flying to Utah.

2. Immediately after you get off the plane in Salt Lake the number of people traveling with children increases exponentially. Explodes actually.

3. Utahns and by extension, mormons, have a particular "look". Now I don't mean in that "I can just tell they are mormon" way - that's a spiritual thing and it is true, sometimes you can "tell" and that happens to me in Phoenix all the time when I am at a restaurant or something and I can just tell someone sitting near me is mormon and then this is usually confirmed by the spotting of underwear lines or some such thing - a ctr ring perhaps. I am talking about something else. It's a physical look. It's almost like there are "types" and there are these certain looks, it's quite a combination of something I would think of as typically scandinavian and brittish. Also there is an "Idaho" type that is more specific and I can spot people in the airport who are from Idaho. Actually I can hear it and see it in their dress too. It's a very subtle distinction, but one that I am aware of most of the time.

4. Utahns and Idahoans have an accent. Do people from Arizona? I don't know. When I moved to Utah from Idaho long ago I noticed that in Idaho if you are going to the store you would say "goin to the store" and in Utah you would say "goEnG to the store". The 'i' becomes a strong 'E' sound and the "G" is emphasized like the begining of the word "grapes". I think in Arizona it is just said "normally". And all "ing" words are like this. Sometimes in Utah you will find people who take it a bit further and say "goINK", the 'k' in replacement of the 'g' is subtle, but it's there. In Idaho there are little oddities, like my Grandpa used to say "Pert Near". Which meant something was "almost", it's an adulteration of "pretty near". So there are little things like that which I wouldn't hear someone in Utah say. However in Utah there are little things people say which are so uniquely Utah that they almost grate on my nerves. Take the word "favorite" for example. In native Utahn it is not pronounced "favor it" or even the more usual "favrit", no they have to take it a step further and say "favor ITE". As in that is my FAY VOR EYE T color. I'm not exagerating, it usually has FOUR syllables. People also sound like they are talking with a marble in their mouth. Odd vowells and consonants are drawn out. Like in the sentence "They were really quick". In Utah that might sound like "They whirrrrr rilllly QWwwick" . It's a drawl, but very different from a southern drawl. There's a girl on the radio who when she calls guys "hot", says "hawwwwwwT". They emphasize that last consonant a lot. It's often louder than anything else in the word.

4. There are billboards for a lot of "live free or die" types of groups. The state is largely republican but honestly, what is really is, is largely libertarian. Because if you really start to analyze the way that mormons here think politically, it's not really so easy to peg as republican or democrat but something else entirely. I think this may go back to the days when the church had an entirely seperate political party. When that was broken up Brigham Young assigned families - you be democrat, you be republican - but ulitmately, we never really trusted the federal government, we were much more of an independent bunch. I think this is why many mormons feel more comfortable with republicans who talk about "small government". It's part of our tradition. But our tradition too is very collective, it's very communal, so we have these odd juxtapositions that don't fit in neatly with either party completely. There are some estimates here in Provo that roughly 40% of the population here in Utah County are republicans, 30% are democrat and 30% are "other". The other vote republican often enough for it to swing things significantly in that direction but there have been many notable exceptions.

5. The buzz on the street here regarding Mitt Romney running is very mixed. I would say about half the students I've talked to think it's great and half have big concerns. Many people are so independent they do not want to be pressured to like him just BECAUSE he is mormon. Interestingly, a recent poll here in Utah showed that Romney has the majority but in a close second is Barrack Obama. In one news story they showed that those who had actually read the book "The Audacity of Hope" were more likely to vote for Obama than Romney, mormon or no. Now there's a problem with that statistic because probably, people who were already leaning that way are much more likely to have read the book. However, I do find it interesting that he is second to Romney, and not a different republican. I would have guessed McCain.

These are just little cultural tid-bits for you.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Bonnie Pointer


Bonnie-Pointer-383
Originally uploaded by juicefreewithsoul.

Today's observation: It's pretty much impossible to remain distressed over the book you are reading for class "Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters" which is a heavy, heavy read involving eating disorders, of which, I know a little something about, while listening to Bonnie Pointer.

Well, Bonnie Pointer put an end to the book for now. I'll pick it up again later when it isn't weighing so heavily on my soul.

So to Bonnie: "Heaven Must Have Sent You". The salve of Disco. Some will consider that blasphemy - but I absolutely refuse to believe you can listen to her AND stay in a bad mood. So in this case, Disco does not suck.

Besides it reminds me of roller skating with my friends in 6th grade. Awesome.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Lehi


Flour
Originally uploaded by Blacksmith369.

I'm back. It's starting to feel slightly schizophrenic this back and forth and back and forth thing. A few hours ago I was taking my kids to the Madison pool and a now I'm in Lehi - home of these flour mills.

Remember that movie Footloose? This was where Kevin Bacon (or rather his character) worked. They filmed that whole movie in Lehi at the flour mills, at the local high school and in the surrounding area. When I was 16 and a Junior in High School my friends and I got this idea that we should come to Provo for the weekend. Now to drive to Provo from Rexburg Idaho is about a 5 hour drive on perfect roads in good weather. It was "spring" , which in Idaho means, there's still snow. I think, although I'm not sure, it was March. Tina's dad said we could use her parents car - they had a VW Rabbit, which was relatively new. It was me, Tina Marlowe, Tirzah Thompson, Kari Hammar and Alicia Hansen. We drove to Provo and stayed with our friend Jenny Perkins who had moved to the Orem/Provo area from Rexburg a few years before. We stayed at Jenny's house and went to the movies and went out to eat and went to the mall - girly stuff like that. The movie we saw was "Footloose" and we all loved it.

Several things amaze me about this now. (aside from the love of Footloose - which I'm not going to apologize for - I'll still watch it if it comes on late night tv). Our parents let us do this? Doesn't this seem kind of amazing? They must have really thought that we were very trustworthy! And we were - I'm not saying that - but I think a lot of parents would hestitate to let five 16 year old girls head off in winter weather in a VW Rabbit - each of us with just maybe $100 to our name.

I specifically remember my mom giving me $100 and I had an awesome time on that $100 - I bought clothes at the mall - we ate out all weekend, I helped pay for gas and I came home with money left over! That's amazing too!

What a great time in life to be so young and kind of clueless.

It's weird to me too that most of my friends still live in Rexburg. They moved away for a while but they all ended up back there. That's a whole other blog for another day.

I just remember driving past those flour mills on the way back from Provo to home, after seeing them movie, and the "Footloose" song came on the radio as we were driving by - and there were 5 girls in a compact car screaming and singing all the way to Salt Lake.

So I think about that when I drive past this every day and I smile.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

I've no idea who this is...but I LOVE that ice cream


april 27 045
Originally uploaded by seaverman.

This little girl is eating a creamie. Creamies are difficult, if not impossible, to find in Phoenix. But creamies are still in abundance in Utah. And I love them. LOVE them. This little girl is eating the banana flavor - the same flavor I love. Just saying...one more reason to like Utah I guess.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

BUT....and again with the tree of wisdom


050314
Originally uploaded by sudweeks.

I just read through the past few blog entries and it makes it sound very skewed, as if I really am in a state of annoyance or disagreement with BYU or how things are here much of the time. In defense of BYU I would like to say that in actuality it is a lot like reading the diary of a 13 year old girl. There are going to be a lot of entries that say something like "I hate my mom!" or "I hate my best friend!", but really, she loves her mom and she loves her best friend and all will be well in the end.

That's how it is here with me - I love BYU, we always make up in the end. I am just trying to vent and figure things out as I do not have "friends" here to discuss these annoyances with. That is all.

So never fear, I still heart BYU - just with hesitation at times.

SWKT & Tree of Wisdom


070223
Originally uploaded by sudweeks.

That's the Spencer W. Kimball Tower in the background with an abstracted "tree of wisdom" sculpture that is on one side of the building. This is the building the houses the psychology department and hence, where I spend quite a lot of my time.

Today I am suppose to be writing a midterm - it's a paper and it's complicated and I'm highly unmotivated due to lack of ability. Seriously. I have no idea what I am doing.

Today I felt like the discussion in one of my classes got completely hijacked and off topic and it really bugged me.

I always feel torn between trying to stand up for what I think are important things to remember and understand - and then feeling like I am the only one who doesn't agree with where the discussion is going. I get really bugged when someone pulls out an obscure quote by someone in a talk - in this instance it was Elder Scott - and then tries to justify a position that I don't think the church has ever taken with this quote. Then I get REALLY annoyed when I go off by myself after class to look up the quote and find that even in the darn talk (which was not given in conference by the way, but at some other forum thingy) what was represented as being said isn't even what he really said.

And I don't want to go into the whole thing because it would be a really long blog and it's kinda beside the point but it's just really annoying. I feel like it is so contradictory to be constantly drilling into us in class to be careful of the "science" behind a lot of the studies we read because of the inherent bias that can exist within the study and then to interject obvious bias via the teacher into the discussion and completely muddy things into oblivion.

GAHHHHHHH.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Out of order


Out of order
Originally uploaded by Octoferret.

Okay so for those of you worried that I would break the rules at BYU and expose my class to objectionable material, never fear!

I give up. There's a way for a computer genius I am sure but there isn't any way that I can find that will allow a youtube video to play on this campus no matter how it's imbedded.

But I forge on (actually I forge on in the quest to somehow make this work eventually, which is probably a sad reflection of a little rebellious streak in my psyche, however meek).

I really wasn't excited about being here this week. But I just realized this week represents being half way through so that's probably part of the malaise.

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Worst Part of Censorship


The Worst Part of Censorship
Originally uploaded by Lady, That's My Skull.

Okay so Censorship is probably too strong of a word in this instance. However, I do find the following highly frustrating at least:

We are asked in class to leave class and use the library computers, or to stay if we like and use our own laptops or take our laptops elsewhere in groups and 3 or 4 and find images for a particular project in my gender class. Immediately I think of an old 70's commercial as well as a video on the internet that will work well. So we go off in our little groups and try to find these things. But there is a big problem. The video is on you tube and BYU automatically blocks that site. You can't get there from campus. There's no way. It's also blocking the old 70's commercial which we've located on google video but it won't let us play it. In fact, when you use google video about 3/4 of the videos are blocked. We finally find a couple of things we can use and come back to the classroom with our measly finds. The other groups had similar problems. This is a class on gender and psychology - this problem happened earlier in the semester when trying to look up some relevant articles online. The BYU computers search everything for objectionable content. Since we were looking for things about gender the content was automatically blocked on most of the articles. These are scholarly journals but we can't pull them up. Now later I found that if you knew the website you were going to, you could pull it up, but by using a search engine to find it - that was getting automatically blocked by the strong filters. Is this a good thing?

Here is my thinking. Yes, it's BYU and perhaps we should expect a certain amount of this. You are going to a private church run school. WIFI is everywhere (almost) on campus. This means that any 18 year old with a laptop can be on the internet on campus 24/7. This perhaps makes BYU feel that they must be extra certain that inappropriate content is not able to be accessed on their watch. I can see the logic of this.

But here's the problem, we aren't trying to look up anything inappropriate. We are trying to learn something and we are actually not able to even complete a simple class assignment because of this blocking.

Example 2. Later in the afternoon in my other class a presentation is given. Inside the presentation the students doing a powerpoint had a link to a therapy session that showed exactly the type of therapy there were talking about. Guess what? Won't work. The video originated from you tube. No dice. There is no way to access anything from that site. Their presentation suffers quite a bit because they try to make up for this 7 minute loss on the fly and it doesn't quite work.

It starts to seem a little excessive to me. And maybe I'm totally wrong. I mean, I'm willing to re-think it.

But instead I've spent the greater part of the last few hours trying to test to see if there is a way around this. I've started a new blog on a different site. I've uploaded one of the videos we were discussing on to that site. I'm then going to test it out tomorrow when I am on campus to see if I go from here to there, can I watch it? Or because it still originates on you tube will the censor/filter catch that and block it?

And is it sad that this will seem like some kind of accomplishment to me if I have figured out a way around their block?

AND maybe more importantly, does someone with a personality like mine become more likely to try to find ways around these things because the barrier is there? I don't know the answers, these are just things I am thinking about.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Phoenix


Phoenix
Originally uploaded by Eric Vondy.

Back Home....

Something I have discovered making these little trips back and forth to Utah;

When I was a little girl growing up in rural Idaho there were a lot of things to love about where I grew up. But I never thought I would live there when I got older. I can't really explain why because everyone else I knew thought that they WOULD live there forever. And maybe that was why, maybe that affected me somehow and I resisted it. I always imagined I would live in Utah - Salt Lake specifically. I would marry a boy from Utah or I would move there on my own.

Now this may have been because of the limited experience and travel I had done in my young life. We had been to California but it never occured to me to move there. The only other big city we had visited was Seattle - and I thought it was so lovely and green and wonderful too - but it never occured to me that I would move their either. Probably because the only people I ever knew who moved away usually moved to...well, really just to Utah. So that is what I always imagined. So when I eventually did move to Utah and later to Salt Lake, this was no surprise, it was what I had imagined all along. (I realize there are current parables to this idea of this now infamous book "the secret", which frankly, I take some issues with, but that's an entirely different blog...)

Later, when Kirk got admitted to a lot of good East Coast schools and we took a trip back there - I almost had a panic attack imagining living in DC and going to Georgetown or in NY and going to Columbia. I had a 2 year old by then and I just couldn't picture it. I'm sure I could have done it but UVA in bucollic Charlottesville seemed a more sane option at the time. But even that required some anti-anxiety medication for me to actually get moved.

Because this threw my whole lifes plan into a tailspin. MY plan was that we would always live in Utah on a tree lined street in Salt Lake and maybe live in the avenues or Sugarhouse or maybe the University area, end of story. I would be a few hours away from my mom and close to Yellowstone and Jackson Hole still...all the things I missed about living in Idaho. Why on earth would we move?

And I really KNEW why - I knew it was an opportunity too good to pass up, but it did not fit within the parameters of the schema I had built my identity on.

Fast forward - at some point after law school (and living in Virginia was so lovely in so many ways but we did miss the West. I missed the sky and I missed the attitude of the West) we moved to Arizona. Honestly, at the time, I wasn't sure if this was a permanent move or a stopping off point. For years when we would visit family back in Utah and Idaho I would imagine that maybe, someday, Kirk would get a job back in Salt Lake again and everything would be back to "normal" and this would all just be a fun little experiment we tried.

But months turned into years and an associates job at a big law firm turned into a career at a firm where he is a partner and we started building a life. And a big part of that life honestly had to do with the Stake where we live - a certain kinship we felt for those we got to know here. In a way so many people became like extended family to us. And I grew in love with the sunsets. And the architecture. And the heat (okay don't ask me if I still love it on August 16th but mostly, I still do love it). The summers spent almost entirely in the pool. Lots of bar b que'd food. Driving with the top down. So many, many, things. The diversity of central phoenix, both in terms of the people, the places, the things, EVERYTHING. I really love it. I've even learned to grow to love the desert itself.

I love our old house. I love that we turned our old house into something different than what it was that made it functional for us but it's still charming to me. I even love that it's not that big. Really.

So this is home now. And when I am in Utah - even this time of year, when it's all turning so lovely and green but it isn't quite as hot as here and you can drive around with your windows rolled down - well, this would be the time of year when normally I would have entertained those thoughts of moving back. But i don't. It's not home anymore. And somehow it can't quite compare to what I love about Phoenix.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

BANANARAMA


BANANARAMA True Confessions 1999 Re-Issue US Edition
Originally uploaded by yummygjd.

So today I was both very productive and on top of things and regressive. I was working on a paper at some point in the Wilkinson Center and this girl started practicing the piano and it was really good but it was just....loud and distracting somehow. Like I kept thinking too much about what kind of person just plops down in front of like hundreds of people and starts playing like that - and it was just...it was too much to think about. Like I kept thinking about whether she was just this really gifted musician and just practicing because you know, why else do they have a piano there unless it's to be used right? But then it just seemed odd too. Anyway, I ended up putting on my ipod shuffle to drown out the noise while I was writing my paper. Yes, this might seem counterintuitive - why am I listening to noise to drown out noise? But this noise was of my choosing. Every song on my shuffle is a song I love in some way and there is a wide variety of random things on there - I've got Al Green and Stevie Wonder, I've got the Clash and Nirvana, I've got the Fratelli's and Imogen Heap and the Shins and I've got an awful lot of embarassing 80s music on there too. Just when I finished my paper and started walking over to the library to print it Bananarama came on my ipod - and this is one of the things I love about a shuffle - you just never know what you're going to get next. I felt very much like time had stopped and it was 1986 again and I was in college. You know how songs can have that kind of power sometimes?

Anyway, Bananarama totally made my day seem great somehow. I felt very much like I was able to have a "re-do" of what I should have done when I was in college the first time. A moment of brief time travel.

BYU Creamery on 9th


BYU Creamery on 9th
Originally uploaded by sainusa.

So my tummy is full of bad evil probably over 20% milkfat ice cream. And it was soooo good. Raspberry Cheesecake.

I feel oddly on top of things right now. So far so good!

It is so much easier for me to focus for the few days I am here than it was when I was here before and cared about a social life and hanging out with friends, etc. It's kind of awful to realize how much more importance I put on those types of things than I did on school itself.

I don't really regret it though. I had FUN. And it isn't like I completely blew off school altogether. But I was capable of more I know -

Well, we grow wiser with age - at least most of us do I guess. I am sure many of the students here are already more wise than I was.

But are they having as much fun as I did? :)

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Having trouble sleeping


Having trouble sleeping
Originally uploaded by Simon Crubellier.

So here's what's completely crazy. I can't sleep. I can fall asleep on planes, in the middle of class if I wanted (probably...so far I have avoided it) but I cannot go to sleep at night. I don't even so much want to except I know how tired I will be in like 4 hours when I have to get up. I did homework all day so it seems unfair somehow to have to end a perfectly good day without doing anything else.

Also I think this book I am reading about the girls who went away is making me think too much. And then Shannon always says "quit reading books like that!' But sometimes it's a compulsion....sometimes things have to be dealt with or they bubble over like a pot on simmer too long. So reading books like that is like taking the lid off for a while for me - it actually has the opposite effect that she thinks it does. I'm being cryptic I know but I don't know how much I want to say about all of that right now. It oddly makes me want to contact my half (full?) brother and that's a good idea at 1 am but probably not such a good idea in the light of day. So I'll have to give that some extra thought before I rashly go off on that thought process.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Diet Coke & the Ups and Downs (literally) of Being Here...


Diet Coke
Originally uploaded by nathanlaw82.

First off let me just say that I do not think I am addicted to caffeine or diet coke - there are many days when I do not have any caffeine at all or I do not have one until far late into the day. It's not the first thing I think about in the morning. I do not think I fall into that stereotypical "mormon's like their caffeine cold" routine. That said...I DO like my Diet Coke very much. And I will drink it any time of the day I darn well please. Here is one thing that I find kind of stupid here - NO regular coke or diet coke. Only non-caffeine. BUT....they have Barq's rootbeer, which is teeming with it. Do they know this? I can't decide if this is some kind of compromise situation where, indeed, caffeine is available. Of course, at this point I can't imagine that some extremely annoying person hasn't pointed this out to the powers that be - the people who order the food here in the "Cougareat". I'm SURE that's happened right?

Anyway, today I am exceptionally tired and feel that some regular old caffeinated diet coke would probably at least help me get through the rest of the afternoon. I don't want the extra sugar in the rootbeer. Especially because I can just imagine the sugar crash will happen just as I have to do my part in the group discussion in the afternoon class.

So I say DAMN IT. There, that felt better. Somehow these peculiar little things annoy me.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Asleep


Asleep
Originally uploaded by Taz etc..

This happened to me on the plane today. I think I am more tired than I know. And what am I doing blogging on here when I should be doing my homework? I've no idea. I'm a VERY good procrastinator!

I've never fallen asleep on a plane before except when we flew to England in the middle of the night - but even that was not as deep of a sleep as this was. This was unintentional sleep while trying to read my textbook. And when the pilot landed the plane in Salt Lake I was startled awake and thought we were crashing. That's how asleep I was, it took me a minute to figure it out.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Rock Star


Rock Star
Originally uploaded by _tee.

So, I now I have a little bit of a rock star status on campus.

Most of the kids (students I guess I should say) in my morning class are also in my afternoon class. When I introduced myself in my afternoon class on tuesday they all said "tell them where you're commuting from!". It was interesting .... I felt oddly appreciated somehow.

After class three of them walked me most of the way to my car and were asking me a lot of questions about what I was doing here - about my family back home, etc. It was interesting.

I honestly expected to come here and stay as anonymous as possible. I don't know why. I think that's because that is kind of the person that I was when I was here before. I was friends with a very small group of people and I really did not try to be outgoing or get to know anyone else.

I had a lot of fun with the limited group of people that I knew and hung out with but I did not talk to other people or try to get to know them at all.

This seems to also be true in my regular life too - I seem to often be saying "I'm actually very introverted but....and then I'll insert some sort of exception". And I am starting to wonder if this is something that can change over time - like if getting older gives you enough confidence to quit being so quiet and not stating your opinion about things - just being an observer. I have always been extremely comfortable in that observer role. And in many ways I still am. I am perfectly content to be here on campus alone all day and not have anyone to hang out with. I mean, obviously, it would be much more fun if I had a friend with me here - it would be a different experience, but I really, really, don't mind being alone. In fact, I think sometimes, I am kind of a loner by nature.

Othertimes though I realize that when I'm in a group situation I'm no longer the silent one just observing - so I am gradually seeing that change in my personality over the past few years.

Anyway...so yeah, when the students from my classes see me around campus they are super friendly and talkative and nice and I think that this would probably not be the case if I weren't some (almost) 40 year old woman coming back to school. I think if I were the 20 year old version of me here at the school it would be much more similar to how it was when I was here before. My age and the unusual aspect of my situation has given me the rockstar status.

I'm exhausted though. I stay up far too late trying to get all my reading in so I won't be doing homework all weekend while I am home. Also there is a lot conversations with my sister in law. And these are not conversations that are easy to end quickly or avoid.

She's moving soon and I really do want to understand her. I am really trying to wrap my head around this newfound love of atheism that she has embraced. I try to really understand where she is coming from. I'm conflicted about it. I want to support her as a person and I realize her life has not been easy - and I can see, just as someone who is so cerebral all the time, that it makes more sense to her to be an atheist.

But then I see little cracks or little chinks in the armor. Like last night when she admitted that if anything could convince her that there might be a god it would probably be that her ex-husband was such an evil person and she thought at times filled with something that seemed purely evil - something satanic. And she concluded that statement with, if you believe in satan, I think you pretty much have to accept the opposite must exist, which would be God. But then she said "I don't know. I could be wrong. But I don't think I am".

I mean, I guess at the end of the day I just feel like this her path - this is her quest, this is her thing that she has to figure out. Her life isn't easy - some of that is because of choices she made and some of that is things that were thrust upon her. I guess I just feel like it's not my job to judge her when she's just trying to figure out what makes sense to her about her life - a life I think, that has been frought with difficulty and stress and yet she has managed to really handle things so much more competently than most people would. How can I judge that really?

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Okay Observations so far...


pink shirt day
Originally uploaded by amcati.

I have a lot to say these days - and time to say it I guess.

My first class was this morning. I am by far the oldest in the class. I would say the next two close to my age are probably, maybe like 28, 30 tops. Everyone is Seniors and many of them are graduating in August. No freshman.

The class is taught by a grad student, which I am fine with, I have had some other good classes taught by grad students before so that's cool, whatever. Here's what was of note;

I almost freaked out when we started with an opening prayer. WHAT? Did we always do that and I forgot? I mean I went here for a long time, I don't remember the opening prayer bit...but maybe I just forgot that detail. That seemed so weird. I mean, it was nice in a way too - but I just feel so...alien to all of this.

Okay the class is on sex and gender and so after we've done all our little introductions and everything (and several people are amazed that I am doing this whole Phoenix commute business), the next thing he mentions is do we stereotype people with facial hair. And I speak up and say "well, you mean mormons...or in general?" and then that's a whole discussion because somehow these people don't realize that our stereotypes of facial hair or not the stereotypes of the world. I mean, sort of they know this, but REALLY they do not know this because they are now - even if they were originally from California or where ever - they are now so deep into the mormon culture thing that they don't get it at all. And for the first time all morning I realize that Mr. Grad Student/Professor has a little goatee. And honest to goodness, I did not even realize it, I did not even give it a second thought but apparently almost everyone else did and they were kind of freaking out because they aren't allowed and here the teacher is wearing facial hair. I was stunned in silence for a minute.

Then next he says "what about my shirt...who noticed anything about my shirt?". And right away about half the classes hands shoot up or they all start talking at once and I am so confused because he's dressed very nice. In fact, I remembered thinking right away that my first impression of him is that he was a well dressed good looking guy, shirt, tie...looked nice, looked good.

I did not take note of the fact that he had on a pink shirt and a lavendar tie. Not except to think that he was well dressed. That's it.

Apparently many, many other people in the class thought that was "off". Apparently it is not "masculine" to wear a pink shirt (did we not break this stereotype somewhere around 1985...I mean seriously?!)

Frankly I am stunned. And I have to speak up. I said "are you guys serious? you realize this is just a Utah thing or a mormon thing right?". And they argued with me. They so said no, it isn't - wherever you go there is a bias against guys wearing pink. I kinda went off at that point. I mean, I have husband, an attorney husband who just wore a pink shirt to COURT last week with his black suit and he looked very nice and certainly no one gave it a second thought. My teenage son wears pink shirts all the time. And I think they have now concluded that I am some sort of "liberal" and "off".

But I'm excited about it because I think I will definitely have things to say in this class. They made us break into small groups for a part of it and I absolutely HATE that, because by nature I am just kind of anti-social. I would rather just stay in my little corner and be anonymous. But I can tell that this class is going to force me into not doing that.

And I think maybe because I am so much older than the rest of them - I can't just keep quiet. Because frankly I am old enough to be some of their moms (many of them) and I have opinions and I'm not going to be able to just sit there and be quiet. Especially because there are only about 20 students in the class.

There is one kid in there who is totally gay though. I am not saying that in any kind of mean way but....the dude is seriously effeminate. And I know I am stereotyping. The guy who owns the Aveda salon where I get my hair done is seriously femmy but he is married with children and apparently not gay. I know it doesn't mean someone IS defintely gay - I get that. But this kid.... I dunno.

But there are other observations too...

Monday, April 30, 2007

young vs old


young vs old
Originally uploaded by tattoornottattoo.

I searched flickr for young vs. old and this is what came up. It seemed fitting somehow.

I felt kind of old today. It was okay. But it was weird. It was weird to be back on that campus and have it feel so different to be there. I am such a different person in so many ways...but exactly the same in so many others.

I didn't really see anyone like me there - which was kind of unexpected.

They all seemed like either freshman - or fairly experienced but still only just sophmores or juniors trying to fit in a few extra credits. There were grad students - well, maybe not even grad students but MARRIED students - and I used to be one of those.

I remember when I was a single young student I used to look at students pushing their babies around campus in strollers and actually feel this kind of sick feeling in my stomache. Like - I don't know, this will sound really bad, but like their life was sort of over. I don't know, it just depressed me on some level. And I think often because it seemed as if the girl had quit school and the husband was the one who was still going.

Then of course I did the exact same thing - I did it much later in my college career than some girls. I at least waited until it was into my 4th year of college (which is EXTRA stupid not to have finished when I got married). But once I got married I started thinking about having a baby and it was just a big snowball effect from there that puts me where I am today, going back at 39.

And I have to admit that even today - most of those married students depressed me in a kind of way. And it sort of depressed me to hear overhear so many students talking about dating - or being set up on a date - or finding the right person. I overheard more conversations about that than anything else. And that kinda bugged me. It shouldn't, I know, but somehow it did.

I don't want to be misunderstood. I ADORE my kids and I made a very conscious choice to be a mother - and really, a choice to be a young mother and a choice to be a mother while my husband finished school and had the greater earning potential and frankly the greater aptitude at school. But I do regret that I sold myself short in the process somehow. That I didn't really quite understand completely where my choices were taking me. I only had it thought out so far - it wasn't until Holden started school that it really started to dawn on me that these kids were not going to be home forever and I am not really the becky homecky type. And then what?

I can do lunch with my friends and I have a lot of interests and there's plenty of interesting volunteer work and other opportunities out there - so don't get me wrong. But I just think I sold myself short a really long time ago and I think, maybe, at the time, I thought I was taking the easy way out, and really, I was choosing the hardest way instead.

Sigh.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

First Impressions...back in Salt Lake & Utah


Freak out Salt Lake City
Originally uploaded by GafferBee.

First impressions:

There are a lot of mormons here. They are kind of everywhere, which once you've got not used to is weird to get used to again.

They have the best radio stations in the world in SLC. How is it that they are smaller than Phoenix and supposedly (based on what I just said in the previous paragraph...which I realize is going to sound badly biased) less sophisticated/worldly/hip whatever you want to call it. How is it that they have always been on the cutting edge music wise. You can listen to ANY kind of music on the radio here - and you can listen to really good underground indy type music that you just can't find anywhere on the dial in Phoenix. I don't get it. I always miss this about Utah when I come back to Phoenix.

They have CHEESE CURDS!!!! Cheese curds, just sitting next to all the fancy cheeses in the grocery store. I mean, I think I might have found them in Phoenix like once but they are plentiful here and I love, love, love them.

People drive older more beat up cars here and the neighborhoods are often sketchy looking but people still think of them as "safe". Which is a mistake I think. I mean ... I don't know, it just occurs to me that maybe mormons are a tad too trusting at times. They still don't ever lock there doors here - nobody I know does anyway.

My sister in laws house is across from the light rail and that dang train goes past literally every 5 minutes I think. And the train itself is very quiet but the darn little ding, ding, ding, warning thing at the cross road is annoying as all get out.

It's not hot. Which is weird too - because I was sort of starting to get used to that. But it's hot enough for a/c and they never use it so ironically, being spoiled by the a/c in Phoenix...it's HOT inside the house. (probably like about 82 or something)

That is all for now. I will go to church tomorrow and tell you what that seems like.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Exhaustion


Exhaustion
Originally uploaded by out_of_rhythm.

The summer I turned twelve years old and could go to girls camp for the first time I got really, really ill. So ill I was in bed -or more acurately on the couch for days and I was so ill my mom finally took me to the doctor. Now some background on the doctor in question might be in order. We always went to Dr. Withers and Dr. Withers was always really nice and always gave lolipops and he wasn't a pediatrician (did they even have pediatricians in small towns back then?) but he was our whole family's doctor. Anyway, he would do things like give you a shot of kenalog (sp?) when you had allergies - which is kind of like giving someone a shot of morphine when they have a head ache and really only need an aspirin. But we liked that about Dr. Withers I think. Anyway, he diagnosed me with "exhaustion" and said I just needed to stay in bed for days. (maybe there was some paragoric invovled, I don't remember...but paragoric was usually involved in any illness situation in my house - my parents did not have any idea they were just giving us massive doses of pain killers and not curing anything - they thought it was some sort of miracle cure all drug and they gave it to us for everything - now it's a highly controlled narcotic - my mom always made me drink it and told me it was like"black licorice" which is why I can't stand black licorice to this day...but I digress)

Anyway, what they heck is exhaustion for real? I did not get to go to girls camp. And I really did feel horribly ill. But more in a "there's no way I coudl get up out of this bed if I wanted to" kind of way. And now...it seems odd.

Because what on earth could have been so EXHAUSTING when I was 12. I mean, I almost wish I could get it now - but not really, because I don't have time to be ill for heaven's sake, I'm a mom.

Does this condition really exist or was this some weird psychosomatic reaction I had to the idea of going to girl's camp? I really don't know.

But I sure have a lot more reasons to be exhausted now than I did then.

Monday, April 23, 2007

My inverted world


Green Orb
Originally uploaded by bandanamomaz.

This is a photo I took a while back. It's pretty simple, it was just a marble while I was standing in my front room aimed towards the window, reflecting what is basically the world out my front door. That's my tree updside down and the neighbors house and my yard.

Right now my world feels a little like this - like everything is inverted somehow. I leave this Saturday for school and I was actually on the BYU website this morning trying to figure out parking - since I'm renting a car they won't let me buy a parking pass that has like a hang tag - you HAVE to attach it - and they are very rigid about this. And I definitely get the feeling that they are not very sympathetic to my situation and the fact that I will have a rental car - and a different rental car, every week.

I was getting frustrated but then I remembered - hey, I never had a parking pass the entire time I went to school before anyway! I really didn't. My parents probably would have given me the money for one but as it was they were already paying for everything and they were putting a certain amount of money in bank account every week (I don't really remember how much it was but I remember at the time the ATM machines would let you get out money in $5 increments and that's usually how much I got out - I think I would use $2 to get gas in the car - cause it was always running almost on empty and then the other $3 would keep me in food for a while. Mostly because the main thing I ate was 44 oz. diet cokes from the gas station next door to my apartment and pink cookies. Pink cookies were this odd thing that started in Provo. In fact, I knew a girl who worked there and frosted them. They were called Grandma's cookies and they were delicious and to die for. My friend Sam turned me on to them first because this girl...I can't remember her name, used to work there frosting them all night and she could bring home the screw ups, the ones that didn't come out quite right. Anyway, they were super, seriously delicious. Then they started to mass market them and now every super market in the country tries to mass produce them - well, something that looks like them. And they are ALWAYS very disappointing. Anyway, I diverge from my original point....

Which was what? Oh yeah. That I learned how to dodge the campus police back then and even though I'm WAY older and not as quick now - I think I'm smarter. So I can probably do it again.

But yeah, even thinking about going back - being there, parking, going to class. Is making me feel like I'm living in some kind of weird inverted world.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Adopted!


Adopted! Bizzy Lizzy
Originally uploaded by Purrs & Paws of A.R.A.S..

If you go on flickr and you type in a search for the word "adopted" about a thousand pictures of cats and dogs come up first, then later there are some other assorted odd animals, a goat, a couple of ducks and much later you get people adopting roads. One was a little girl "adopting" a doll.

No children.

Because really, we don't want to so much talk about this.

Adopting children.

But it's an awful lot like adopting cats and dogs. There are extra cats and dogs in the world - too many of them for people to take care of. And we spend a significant amount of energy and money taking these creatures into our homes and providing them with food and care and shelter and hopefully love. Because all creatures really need love.

And adopting babies is the same. There are often extras. Ones who will not be taken care of if not taken in. And kind souls take these extras in and provide them with food and clothes and shelter and hopefully love. They are a longer time committment, but it's similar.

And really, when you go off to adopt a cat or a dog - I mean you might have a preference - well we want a quiet dog - we don't want a yappy dog that barks all the time. Maybe you want a small energetic dog. Or just a really pretty and very friendly cat. I mean, you have some idea of what you are looking for. And if you go through most normal channels for adoption you are given a chance to interact with the animal - get an idea if this is what you are looking for. You see it, you get a chance to decide. But mostly this is all speculation because if you are adopting a puppy or a kitten, you can only guess what this animal is really going to turn out like - it might not even stay the same colors. You can't really tell if it's smart or not - not REALLY. You just try to get a general idea and you take a chance.

And babies are exactly the same. In fact the way the process usually works is that the birth mother decides who is going to adopt her baby. But this involves a lot of guess work on her part too. And back in the 1950-1970s this didn't really even enter into the equation. Some random go between person made these decisions. These look like nice people - they want a baby - this girl is probably going to have a pretty baby. Let's hook this situation up. Win, win.

But it's the same. It's unpredictable. You don't know what you're getting. You just know you want a baby. And that baby is just going to turn out however it is going to turn out. I mean you can put all the nurture into the situation that you want. But there's still this 50% nature part of the equation that you really can't control.

And the baby? What about the baby? Well, no one really thinks about that. But they THINK it's all about the baby. It's all about making sure the baby is okay.

But it's not really okay. It's not ever really okay. It never really will be. But just like adopted animals - they adjust, they adapt, they learn to do whatever it is they have to do to get the love that the need. The food and shelter are important and everything...but the LOVE? That's the thing that they wlll learn to do tricks for.

We adjust.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

little wounded sparrow, i


little wounded sparrow, i
Originally uploaded by McBeth.

So last night we had the bbq (I NEVER know the proper spelling for that odd word) for all of the people from Art One Gallery. It ended up being Kraig, Jeffrey, Andy and his girlfriend and then Holden invited Noelle. It was nice. I think they had an okay time despite the fact that most bbq's they attend probably involve alcohol. We tried to make up for that by buying a bunch of pop from pops soda shop in Scottsdale. But I'm not sure it did the trick.

At any rate, I did enjoy myself and I found myself spending quite a lot of time talking with Andy. I don't know how old Andy is exactly - he is college age but just barely. I think he either graduated last year or the year before - I think the year before, which means he's probably about 20. The more I find out about these boys that Kraig seems to take in as employees the more they seem like wounded little birds to me. So fragile and so difficult at th same time. Wounded birds really don't want to be held most of the time - particularly if they are wild, and yet that is what is required to help them.

I realized at some point I was giving Andy advice that I really believed in for Andy but I also realized Holden could over-hear what I was saying and I had to stop myself mid-sentence and say "this doesn't apply to you- this only applies to Andy!" And by that I just meant that I expect more from Holden. And then I started to wonder about how fair that is. I mean, Andy has tried college two different semesters and dropped out both times and he really has no clue what he wants to do with his life. His work ethic is good but he would rather stumble on a get rich quick scheme than really figure out a plan. And he has this absolutely stunningly gorgeous girlfriend who is going to be a pre-med major next year at UofA and I just don't have the heart to tell him - Andy this isn't going to work. She might really love it - and I have that romantic bit in me that wants things to be like John Cusack and Ione Skye in "Say Anything" where in the end he ends up going to England w/ Ione (Diane) and she turns to him at one point and she says "people don't think we are going to work...people don't think we are going to last do they?" and here she is going off to Oxford on some great oppportunity and here Cusack is just being...well, mostly he's interesting in kickboxing and just being Diane's boyfriend. And he turns to her and he says one of the most romantic things ever - he says "you've just described every great success story". And I have always LOVED that. Loved that about that movie and thought I really sorta believed in that. Because I know what that's like to have someone not believe in your life - in your ideas, in your love story even.

But there was this part of me yesterday looking at Andy's girlfriend Julia and she's just pretty in this classically great sense - like there's no way she's ever going to loose her looks because it's just not possible. And there's Andy. And he's skinny and sorta indy looking and she probably thinks he's a really cool boyfriend to have right now and maybe there's even a bit of a rebellion to it - I have no idea, she doesn't seem like the rebellious type but who knows. But I just thought "Oh Andy...." this can't work. If you don't get some kind of plan together you are not going to be able to stay together.

And I think that's made me sorta sad today. Like I really want that ending of "Say Anything" to really be true. I really want Lloyd Dobbler to be a real guy out there and I want to see that story really come to life - and this is the closest thing I've ever seen. But I guess somewhere inside me...I just don't know if it will happen.

So yeah....wounded sparrows. Kraig seems to find them everywhere. And he's prettty good at fixing them back up and sending them off into the world again. I'm not sure how good he is at taking care of himself - but taking care of other people, that seems to be his forte. And I don't think he has any real idea how much better he has made our lives and how much richer we are for knowing him.

And then I realize - I am so much like him in a sense. Not exactly - I mean, he tends to find little wounded birds that are almost exact replica's of the type of wounded bird he was at their same age - (and I suspect deep down...still just as wounded, but more functional and directed). And I guess I do that too - I guess I much more interested in people with a story. People with an issue. People who have that little missing peice. And I guess that is just part of the legacy of being a kind of a wounded sparrow myself.

You can fix a wounded bird. But I'm not sure if they're ever really the same. I think somehow, their wings never quite work right, or their skittish, or they don't survive in the wild. There's always some kind of permanent damage done.

And it sure is easy to find all the other wounded birds too - and oh so many of us there are.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

BYU = are you serious?


BYU
Originally uploaded by newfoundbeauty05.
I can't believe I'm going back here. I can't believe I'm 39 and I'm freaking going back to school.

The last time I was there I was in my early 20s, Oingo Boingo was really cool, there was an awesome dance club called "Plastique", my friends were all skaters and played in a band called "Second Thoughts". I took school semi-seriously and stalking my really cute French Grad Student/Prof. quite seriously. I learned how much I loved Morrissey. I learned to love Kurt Vonnegut and JD Salinger. I made my own t shirts out of sharpies and boys undershirts. I loved wearing ripped jeans to class and getting away with it (we weren't suppose to...dress code nonesense) I loved reading the underground student paper which the adminstration hated. I loved going to the French and Italian Cinema and Foreign films showed on campus every Friday. Loved my philosophy class taught by an ex-hippie professor, who somehow recognized a fellow rebel in me and gave me all A's on my papers in spite of the fact that I looked like pretty much everyone else in that class. I loved going into SLC for Rocky Horror Picture Show - and sometimes Nannette and I would chicken out and not go to the RHPS - because the crowd looked "wrong" somehow. Loved going to SLC to the bookstore "cosmic aerplane", loved how it smelled and I loved picking out used books. There was a head shop downstairs but we never really went in there, just the rest of the store was seriously awesome (and sadly, it is gone now). I had an absolutely marvelous time there in so many ways.

And now?

To go back?

Crazy. I am a surburban housewife with 3 children and TONS of grown up responsibilities and it will be completely nuts to fly there back and forth every week like I am some kind of corporate commuter. Crazy.

I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing or not but I feel like I'm on some trajectory I can't quite stop.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Weld Boat House, Harvard


Weld Boat House, Harvard
Originally uploaded by Keith Dotson.
Holden has been at Harvard this week competing for Speech and Debate. Perhaps he'll be inspired. I think you can't help but be inspired by the beauty of an old campus like Harvard.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith


Anna Nicole Smith
Originally uploaded by krandolph.
The fact that she died didn't really make me particularly sad but I must say that she was really amazing looking. You couldn't watch her without being astounded by it. As messed up as she was, you had to admire her bravado I think. I didn't realize until she died that she was my age.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

More reasons I love the church (and why it's okay to be a democrat)


Mormon Temple Blue Sky
Originally uploaded by miller23464.
In light of my recent mormon and democrat post I found the following article very insightful - and interestingly, linked on the church's website with the notation that this article acurately portrays the church's position on politics and political issues:

When Mitt Romney's religion is mentioned these days, we often hear that Mormons and evangelicals, despite theological differences, are on the same page politically. But while Mormon voters are among the country's most conservative, there are key issues on which they don't line up neatly with the religious right.

An undated illustration depicting the death of Mormon founder Joseph Smith, who was killed by a mob in Illinois while running for president in 1844.
By Drake Bennett | December 31, 2006
DESPITE ALL THE attention Mitt Romney's religion has received, when he formally launches his campaign for president sometime in the next few weeks -- as he is widely expected to do -- he won't be the first Mormon to run for the office. Just six years ago, Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah made a short-lived presidential bid, and in 1967 Romney's own father, George, then governor of Michigan, was the early front-runner for the Republican nomination (until, notoriously, he blamed a "brainwashing" for his earlier support for the Vietnam War).
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In fact, the phenomenon of Mormons running for president is almost as old as the religion itself. Joseph Smith, founding prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), as the church is officially known, himself ran in 1844. Smith never had much of a chance, and he was shot to death by an Illinois mob that June, in one of the many instances in which hostility toward the insular church and its beliefs bubbled over into violence.
Not only was there the Mormon practice of polygamy (formally renounced by the church in 1890), but Smith espoused a political and social worldview regarded as dangerously radical by many who had come into contact with the growing Mormon settlements. Smith was an abolitionist, for one thing; and he argued for the communal ownership of property. According to Richard Bushman, an emeritus professor of history at Columbia University and a biographer of Smith, Mormons identified strongly with the revolutionaries who would roil Europe in 1848.
Today many Americans remain deeply skeptical about the LDS church. Recent polls have found that around 40 percent of Americans say they would not vote for a Mormon for president -- though nearly as many said they would have reservations voting for a Catholic in 1960, the year Joh n F. Kennedy won the White House. Many conservative Christians, especially Catholics and evangelicals, still consider Mormons -- who follow non-biblical works of scripture, teach that God has a physical body, and believe in the possibility of direct revelation and that people can evolve toward godhood -- to be members of a cult.
But the left-wing radicalism once associated with the religion has disappeared. Mormons today are reliable Republicans. According to Joseph Quin Monson, a political scientist at LDS-owned Brigham Young University, they are "almost as monolithically Republican as African-Americans are Democratic." They tend on most major issues to be culturally and economically conservative, and in the past few presidential elections 80 to 90 percent of Mormons have voted for the Republican candidate.
All in all, in the words of Mark Noll, a historian of American Christianity at the University of Notre Dame, "politically considered, white evangelicals and Mormons look very similar."

It is this alignment that Romney has tried to exploit in courting his party's vital conservative Christian bloc. He has emphasized his opposition to embryonic stem-cell research, and sought to distance himself from earlier statements that suggested moderate views on same-sex marriage and abortion. According to Gregory Rodriguez, a political analyst at the New America Foundation, Romney has even called himself an "evangelical Mormon."
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Indeed, when Romney and others talk about his Mormonism in the context of the coming campaign, the assumption is that, despite the theological differences between LDS and evangelicals, politically the two groups are on the same page.
But while few dispute the social conservativism of the LDS church and its members, it is also true that on some key issues they don't fall neatly into line with the religious right's priorities.
To be sure, Mormons and conservative Christians, both Catholic and evangelical, are on the same side of two of the bitterest culture-war battles being fought today, over gay marriage and abortion. On others, though -- stem-cell research, the teaching of evolution in schools, public funding for religion, and end-of-life care -- the LDS church is harder to pin down. In part this is due to the church's unique theology, but it may also derive from Mormonism's early history as a marginal sect suspicious of (and suspected by) the US government. Mormons today are among the nation's most patriotic groups, but many retain a sharp sense of their minority status.
Romney himself has been quick to point out that he is not running as a representative of his religion. And like John F. Kennedy, he has demonstrated over the years a certain independence from his church. And yet, lost in the discussion of Romney and Mormonism is that, unlike Kennedy, Romney's stances on key issues dear to the religious right may actually make him more conservative than his own church.
It was in the 1970s that the LDS church as an institution moved definitively into the political arena. As with white evangelicals, the galvanizing issues were the Equal Rights Amendment and Roe v. Wade, both of which the church saw as a threat to the nuclear family. Today, similar concerns animate the church's vocal opposition to same-sex marriage.
The church remains pro-life. But the official Mormon position on abortion differs in one key respect from that of the Catholic Church and many Protestant denominations: to the LDS church, abortion is not murder. The reason for this is that (again, unlike many Christian denominations) Mormon theology has no clear position on when a body acquires a soul -- when, in effect, earthly life begins. "Since they don't define when the soul enters the body, they can't call abortion murder, they simply say it's 'like unto it,'" says Richard Sherlock, a professor of philosophy and expert on Mormon ethics at Utah State University.

As a result, the LDS church takes a more flexible approach to abortion than many other churches, opposing what it calls "elective abortion for personal or social convenience," but allowing abortions in the case of rape, incest, fatal fetal deformities, or when the health of the mother is at risk. Just as significantly, it does not throw its weight behind legislative efforts to limit or outlaw abortion. In short, neither the Mitt Romney who ran for Senate in 1994 vowing to keep abortion safe and legal, nor the more recent "firmly pro-life" Romney, would be in the wrong according to the teachings of his church.
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On abortion, such theological distinctions may not make much difference to many Mormons, the overwhelming majority of whom identify themselves as pro-life. But on the question of stem-cell research, which has become a major issue for the conservative Republican base, the official ambiguity on when life begins has had far more tangible political effects.
The LDS church has no official position on stem-cell research, but according to Dan Jones, a leading Utah pollster, more than 60 percent of the Mormons in the state, who tend to be among the country's most conservative, support it. Orrin Hatch is one of Congress's leading proponents of federal stem-cell funding, and his four Mormon colleagues in the Senate (Senator Harry Reid, a Democrat, and Senators Michael Crapo, Gordon Smith, and Robert Bennett, all Republicans) have taken similar positions.
In public appearances, Romney has credited his thinking about the moral consequences of stem-cell research with having led him toward a more conservative position on other reproductive issues, like abortion and emergency contraception. And while this shift may have made him a more viable national Republican candidate, on the stem-cell issue at least, it has placed him outside the mainstream of his own faith.
If this divergence between conservative Christians and Mormons springs from theology, another originates in the church's early history at the margins of American society. For Mormons, says Armand Mauss, a sociologist at the Claremont Graduate University School of Religion specializing in Mormon political and social attitudes, "there is an acute awareness of their own history as a persecuted people," a tendency "to lean on the side of freedom of expression for all different kinds of groups."
This history has translated into a respect for the constitutional separation of church and state not always popular on the religous right. John Green, a senior fellow in religion and American politics at the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, describes Mormons as having "a special sensitivity to relations with the government." While evangelical leaders like Pat Robertson and James Dobson have publicly supported the Bush administration's funding for faith-based programs, for example, the LDS church has refused to participate in the initiative out of a fear that with government money comes government control (several conservative Christian organizations, including the Southern Baptist Convention, have taken similar positions).

For the most part -- and despite evidence, recently reported by the Globe, that Romney aides had talked to LDS church leaders about creating a network of Mormon supporters for the upcoming campaign -- the church is conscientious about keeping partisan politics separate from religious matters. Aside from what it sees as issues relating to "how children are raised," says Jan Shipps, widely considered the leading non-Mormon historian of the religion, the church's leaders tend to shy away from taking political action (doing so would, of course, also endanger the church's nonprofit status). Polling done by BYU's Quin Monson and Notre Dame political scientist David Campbell found that, between Catholics, Southern Baptists, and Mormons, as the two write, "Mormons are by far the least likely to receive political cues at church."
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Because of this insistence on separate religious and political spheres, Mormons appear less likely to wade into other culture-war debates, such as the teaching of evolution. Duane Jeffery, a BYU professor of biology and a leading opponent of teaching intelligent design in science classes, says the issue hasn't had the same resonance for Mormons as it has for many evangelical communities -- not because the LDS church is full of diehard Darwinists (the church has no official policy on the subject) but because Mormon parents, by and large, are satisfied that their children are getting their religious instruction through the often daily seminary classes the church runs for them. "In general," he says, "most of them feel that there's not much reason to get politically involved" over the issue.
On the issue of school prayer, which conservative evangelicals overwhelmingly favor, Mormons are divided. In Utah, according to the pollster Dan Jones, most Mormons support it. Polling numbers outside of Utah are harder to come by, but some political scientists and sociologists of the church argue that Mormons living elsewhere see school prayer as a threat. Two-thirds of American Mormons live outside the Mormon strongholds of the Western mountain states, and as BYU political scientist Richard Davis puts it, "There's a little more uneasiness about it because of the realization that they're a minority." The 2000 Supreme Court case Santa Fe Independent School District v. Doe, which outlawed student-led prayers before football games, was brought by a Mormon family in Texas.
That is not to say that the church refrains from telling its members what sort of life to lead (devout Mormons cannot drink alcohol, smoke, or have caffeine), but it often allows them the freedom to make decisions that other conservative churches would balk at. During the heated debate over the fate of Terri Schiavo, for example, the Mormon church reiterated its position that, "Members should not feel obligated to extend mortal life by means that are unreasonable."
"There are fewer fixed dos and don'ts" for Mormons, says Sherlock. On end-of-life issues, he says, "the Mormon Church says, 'Think about it, pray about it, and get the best answer you can."'
It's this idea that Romney himself seemed to refer to in a 1994 interview with the Boston-based gay and lesbian newspaper Bay Windows, in which he rooted what was then his strong support for gay rights in his religion. Drawing on the Mormon concept of "free agency" -- the idea that, despite God's foreknowledge of what we will do, we are still free to choose our actions -- he made a political argument about the value of tolerance. "Our society should allow people to make their own choices and live by their own beliefs," he argued.
Since those comments resurfaced a few weeks ago, Romney has been pressed to reconcile them with his now strident opposition to same-sex marriage. On that issue, Romney's newly assertive conservatism places him in step with his church. On others, though, he seems more a conservative evangelical than a Mormon.

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