A love letter about being a mom of teens

Many times this week I have had a conversation or an email exchange with mothers who express worry and fear about "doing it wrong".  Or who are just struggling with parts of parenting that they never are quite sure about.  This post is made in the spirit of encouragement.  

Being a mom - I have absolutely 100% loved being a mother.  Nothing I ever do will compare to it.  I love it so much, I almost feel guilty about it.  Probably because I am no stranger to unmet needs or wishes - there are lots of things I would like in this world which I do not have, and I know there are lots of men and women who would like to have children and don't have them for various reasons - I have a sort of weird guilt about that - that in this one area of my life I feel like I practically won the lottery.   I know I have been an imperfect mother.  But all the moms in the world are with me on that one - we are all imperfect.  Probably the very best most gratifying part of being a mom has been watching my kids turn to teens and then adults (yes, it's true, in spite of feeling like I could still be a teen myself sometimes, I have an ADULT child).  

When I was young I could not have anticipated how this would feel.  I thought having teenagers would be scary and hard.  But really, other than a few minor mishaps, it has been the best part of being a mom.  And I am so grateful for that.  I think I'm a better mom to older kids than I was to my little kids.  I think I have more patience for this type of mothering.  And I'm not even sure why I never had confidence in myself enough to see that clearly except almost in retrospect, but it's true.  I have been a big fat fail at many things some moms are fantastic at.  But the things that have really mattered to me - the things that in my opinion really count - those things I have been successful at accomplishing.  And although I don't really want to necessarily go into a lot of details about where I feel my success lies - I will say that raising children to like themselves and to be confident in who they are, was probably the most important thing to me.  It was the one thing that I was able to keep my eye on as a goal through out my role as a parent and it's still the driving force behind the majority of my decisions.  I've never regretted that and I think the fruit that it has bore is very very good fruit.  

Being a mom certainly means some sacrifice.  But it's also the one way that I have learned to become my best self.  I am so flawed in so many ways, but being a mom has kept me sane and on track in trying to be a better person today than I was yesterday.  I don't know who I would be without it.  Probably the best parenting advice anyone can ever hear is quit being too hard on yourself.  Just stop.  You're going to screw some stuff up.  You're going to say things you wish you wouldn't have and generally be inept beyond what you think is acceptable at times.  It's okay.  

Which is not to say you can't improve.  You can.  Here's what I think is probably one of the single most important thing you can do as a parent:  Ask yourself what is your goal?  What goal do you have for your children?  How and in what ways do you want to affect them?

Your goals and my goals might not be the same and that is totally OK.  But your goal should be something that is for them and not for you.  Nearly all parenting mistakes can be traced back to this very essential thing.  Certainly all permanent damage can be traced back to it.  If you're struggling with this - if parenting is something that meets some unmet need for you and you have a hard time thinking of your children as individuals who exist separately and who aren't here to meet any of your own needs - it's not too late to solve this problem.  

Maybe you are the mom of a teen and all my waxing poetic about parenting teens is not exactly ringing true.  I hear you.  I have not being totally conflict free in the teen zone.  And while I have avoided some of the messiest aspects of the teenage years thus far (knock on wood and all that...), I understand that some moms absolutely adore the baby and toddler and childhood stages and really aren't so much feeling this whole independent person-hood known as adolescence.  Here's what you need to remember - if you rocked as a mom of little people and struggle with the bigger people mode - you probably did so much good in your previous modes that this bumpy ride is a temporary thing.  Relax.  Chances are, everything is going to turn out just fine.  

And let me say one last thing I feel I would be remiss without mentioning.  If you're really struggling as a mom - or if your child is experiencing problems you think are a little scary or particularly challenging, please don't hesitate to get professional help either for yourself or for your child.  It is so gratifying to watch kids involved in a therapeutic process change and grow.  And as a parent, it can be incredibly empowering to deal with some of your own problems in ways that allow you to be your best self for your kids.

And to all moms - new and not so new, above all else remember to laugh, just love them for who they are, and give yourself a break from being too hard on yourself.  Do the best you can, and then take a deep breath and enjoy. 

  

An Instagram Wall

I'm a little late to Instagram.  Not that I didn't know about it or didn't want to join in the fun (oh guys, I so DID want to join in the fun).  But because I don't have an Iphone.  Or any sort of smartphone whatsoever.  Because I'm old school like that.  Because I refuse to sign another 2 yr. contract with my provider (who does not have Iphone...and who used to have the most amazing customer service on the planet but who now outsources the most basic things...like 411...to Asia and other parts unknown...who insist that no, there is only ONE pizza hut in all of Phoenix.  Are you kidding me Tmobile?...but I digress).  Anyway where was I?  Oh yes, Instagram.

So I have just observed Instagram from afar, staring wistfully at it.  But now that I have an Ipod which can take photos, I am able to actually join the fun.

I am pretty impressed with the artistic talent of two of my children (poor Brennan is on an equally old school phone like me...and so no instagram for him either...middle child syndrome) I love seeing some of the photos they take and post.

Which has led me to the idea that I need to do an instagram wall.  Here are some examples of instagram walls which turned out really great:

 

I love this idea.  You can also mount the ones you like very most individually inside a frame like this too:

 

There are companies you can use to print them professional quality, but you can also just print on your own printer if you like.  

I'm not 100% sure yet where I want to do this in my house and which photos I'm going to use, but it's definitely something I want to do.  Here are a few of my favorites so far.

Holden's photos:

 

And my lovely daughter Jordan's photos:

I've even done a few I like too:

 I always look forward to a new project. 

Two Years Apart

I don't usually blog about my kids.  But today I was looking through some photos and struck by the number of times it has been captured on film this sibling thing that borders on love/hate.  Oh they love each other.  They also love to annoy each other.  Mostly they get along better than a parent could wish for.

Having two kids 2 and under is kind of tough on a mom - when they are little - but is sure if fun to watch them grow up together.

Fantastic Kids Rooms Part III - Tweens & Teens

And finally, some great rooms for older kids and teens.

Important lessons I've learned with teen rooms:

1.  Let them have SOME say in their room but not ALL the say.  They might think they love that electric blue on the paint chip but you're the grown up - rather than turning them loose in the paint department of home depot - choose dozens of shades of blue that are acceptable to you first and then turn them over to them to make the final decision.

2.  Make sure it reflects their personality, but also make sure in doing so it doesn't just look like a hodge podge of junk.  Teens have some hoarder tendencies (at least many of them do) help them cull their stuff down into a more manageable amount of stuff and help them learn to edit.

3.  Finally, try to steer them towards some furniture or other furnishings which can take them through their teen years and into young adulthood.  They'll probably move out when they head off to college - but it's likely they'll be back for summers, holidays and maybe even for a few months at a time here and there before they become fully established and functioning adults.  Keep that in mind when you're putting their rooms together - towards the end of the time they live in them, they are more like an adult than they are a teen.

Some good tween & teen rooms:

see here==>
for Parts I (babies) and II (kids)

Fantastic Kids Rooms - Part II, Young Kids

Part I of Fantastic Kids Rooms focused on nurseries and baby rooms.  Part II are some awesome ideas for the toddler and transitioning right up through tween.  (see part I here)  (see part III here)