Thursday, May 03, 2007

Rock Star

Rock Star
Originally uploaded by _tee.

So, I now I have a little bit of a rock star status on campus.

Most of the kids (students I guess I should say) in my morning class are also in my afternoon class. When I introduced myself in my afternoon class on tuesday they all said "tell them where you're commuting from!". It was interesting .... I felt oddly appreciated somehow.

After class three of them walked me most of the way to my car and were asking me a lot of questions about what I was doing here - about my family back home, etc. It was interesting.

I honestly expected to come here and stay as anonymous as possible. I don't know why. I think that's because that is kind of the person that I was when I was here before. I was friends with a very small group of people and I really did not try to be outgoing or get to know anyone else.

I had a lot of fun with the limited group of people that I knew and hung out with but I did not talk to other people or try to get to know them at all.

This seems to also be true in my regular life too - I seem to often be saying "I'm actually very introverted but....and then I'll insert some sort of exception". And I am starting to wonder if this is something that can change over time - like if getting older gives you enough confidence to quit being so quiet and not stating your opinion about things - just being an observer. I have always been extremely comfortable in that observer role. And in many ways I still am. I am perfectly content to be here on campus alone all day and not have anyone to hang out with. I mean, obviously, it would be much more fun if I had a friend with me here - it would be a different experience, but I really, really, don't mind being alone. In fact, I think sometimes, I am kind of a loner by nature.

Othertimes though I realize that when I'm in a group situation I'm no longer the silent one just observing - so I am gradually seeing that change in my personality over the past few years. yeah, when the students from my classes see me around campus they are super friendly and talkative and nice and I think that this would probably not be the case if I weren't some (almost) 40 year old woman coming back to school. I think if I were the 20 year old version of me here at the school it would be much more similar to how it was when I was here before. My age and the unusual aspect of my situation has given me the rockstar status.

I'm exhausted though. I stay up far too late trying to get all my reading in so I won't be doing homework all weekend while I am home. Also there is a lot conversations with my sister in law. And these are not conversations that are easy to end quickly or avoid.

She's moving soon and I really do want to understand her. I am really trying to wrap my head around this newfound love of atheism that she has embraced. I try to really understand where she is coming from. I'm conflicted about it. I want to support her as a person and I realize her life has not been easy - and I can see, just as someone who is so cerebral all the time, that it makes more sense to her to be an atheist.

But then I see little cracks or little chinks in the armor. Like last night when she admitted that if anything could convince her that there might be a god it would probably be that her ex-husband was such an evil person and she thought at times filled with something that seemed purely evil - something satanic. And she concluded that statement with, if you believe in satan, I think you pretty much have to accept the opposite must exist, which would be God. But then she said "I don't know. I could be wrong. But I don't think I am".

I mean, I guess at the end of the day I just feel like this her path - this is her quest, this is her thing that she has to figure out. Her life isn't easy - some of that is because of choices she made and some of that is things that were thrust upon her. I guess I just feel like it's not my job to judge her when she's just trying to figure out what makes sense to her about her life - a life I think, that has been frought with difficulty and stress and yet she has managed to really handle things so much more competently than most people would. How can I judge that really?

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