Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Nerdy Hipster Genius

Chuck Klosterman is a nerdy hipster genius writer that I've enjoyed ever since I read "Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" a few years ago. His long long explanations about the minutiae of the cultural phenomenon of things like saved by the bell, the sims, and MTVs real world had me completely enthralled. I often read Esquire just to read the Chuck Klosterman column in that particular issue (though as an aside - why is that Men's magazines like GQ and Esquire have far far superior writing and articles than their female counterparts? I really want to know. The only notable women's magazine of exception to that rule is BUST, which I adore, but end up trying to hide the cover of, because often, people assume BUST is a lesbian magazine...which it isn't, but I diverge from my original topic...which is nothing new for me...)

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Chuck Klosterman.

Anyway before I left for vacation I picked up his latest book. This book is a fictional novel and most of his other work is non-fiction. But I am loving this book. Anything that makes me burst out loud laughing while reading is instant awesome. So for your reading pleasure I submit a little tid-bit which describes a small town high school football coach to a T.

~~~~"Okay," Laidlaw began. "This is the situation. The situation is this: We will not waste any light tonight, because we have a beautiful evening with not many mosquitoes and a first-class opportunity to start implementing some of the offense. I realize this is only the fourth practice, but we're already way behind on everything. It's obvious that most of you didn't put five damn minutes into thinking about football all damn summer, so no we're ALL behind. And I don't like being behind. I've never been a follower. I'm not that kind of person. Maybe you are, but I am not. Classes start in two weeks. Our first game is in three weeks. We need to have the entire offense ready by the day we begin classes, and we need to have all of the defensive sets memorized before we begin classes. And right now I I must be honest: I don't even know who the hell is going to play for us. So this is the situation. The situation is this: Right now, everybody here is equally useless. This is going to be an important, crucial, important, critical, important two weeks for everyone here, and it's going to be a real kick in the face to any of you who still want to be home watching "The Price is Right". And I know there's going to be a lot of people in this town talking about a lot of bull crap that doesn't have anything to do with football, and you're going to hear about certain things that happened or didn't happen or that supposedly happened or that supposedly allegedly didn't happen to somebody that probably doesn't even exist. These are what we call DISTRACTIONS. The distractions will come from all the people who don't want you to think about Owl Lobo football. So if I hear anyone on this team perpetuating those kinds of bullcrap stories, everyone is going to pay for those distractions. EVERYONE. Because we are here to think about Owl Lobo football. And if you are not thinking exclusively EXCLUSIVELY about Owl Lobo football, go home and turn on "The Price Is Right". Try to win yourself a washing machine."

It remains unclear why John Laidlaw carried such a specific, all-encompassing hatred for viewers of "The Price Is Right". No one will ever know why this was. Almost as confusing was the explanation as to why Owl High School was nicknamed the Lobos, particularly since they had been the Owl Owls up until 1964. During the summer of '64, the citizens of Owl suddenly concluded that being called the Owl Owls was somewhat embarrassing, urging the school board to change the nickname to something "less repetitive". This proposal was deeply polarizing to much of the community. The motion didn't pass until the third vote. And because most of the existing Owl High School athletic gear still featured it's long-standing logo of a feathered wing, it was decided that the new nickname should remain ornithological. As such, the program was known as the Owl Eagles for all of the 1964-1965 school year. Contrary to community hopes, this change dramatically increased the degree to which its sports teams were mocked by opposing schools. During the especially oppressive summer of 1969 they decided to change the nickname again, this time becoming the Owl High Screaming Satans (new uniforms were purchased immediately). Two games into the '69 football season, the local Lutheran and Methodist churches jointly petitioned the school board, arguing that the nickname "Satan" glorified the occult and needed to be changed on religious grounds; oddly (or perhaps predictably), the local Catholic church responded by aggressively supporting the new moniker, thereby initiating a bitter feud among the various congregations. When the Lutheran minister ultimately decreed that all Protestant athletes would have to quit all extracurricular activities if the name "Satan" remained in place, the school was forced to change nicknames mid-season. Nobody knew how to handle this unprecedented turn of events. Eventually one of the cheerleaders noticed that the existing satanic log actually resembled an angry humanoid wolf, a realization, the seemed brilliant at the time. The Screaming Satans subsequently became the Screaming Lobos, a name that was edited down to Lobos upon the recognition that wolves do not scream. This nickname still causes mild confusion, as strangers sometimes assume the existence of a mythological creature called the "Owl Lobo" which would (indeed) be a terrifying (and potentially winged) carnivore hailing from western Mexico. But nonetheless, and more importantly - there has not been any major community controversy since the late sixties. Things have been perfect ever since, if by "perfect" you mean "exactly the same."


Aren't you glad I shared?

1 comment:

Queen of Chaos said...

That was GREAT! Yes, I'm glad you shared. I would of never picked up this book in a million years- glad to have found, yet another, to add to my long list of 'wanna be read's.


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