Familia, Famiglia, Famille....

How many kids is too many and how do people decide?

I've been thinking lately about how this has evolved over time within the mormon community.

When I was growing up most families I knew had 4 or 5 kids. Four or 5 was kind of "normal" - 6 wasn't very weird and 7 wasn't even that big yet. You weren't officially a big family until you had 8. But eight wasn't enough to be a big deal. In my ward growing up we had the Evan's family who had 11 kids and that was pretty big. But across the street from them was the Ferguson family and they had 18. So in my ward, anything under 18 was kind of ho-hum because the Ferguson's couldn't easily be topped.

We had 3. So we were kind of weirdos. The only other family with three was the Leathams and both Sister Leatham and my mom ended up having to adopt 2 of their 3 kids. Infertility was almost a mark of shame. My mom wanted more than 3 but it just wasn't in the cards.

On my street we had the Robison's next door with only 2 kids but they didn't really count because they really weren't very active in the church. So they were sort of considered heathan so that's why they only had two. Down my street we had the Neville's with 5 kids, the Smith's with 4, the Laddles with 4, the Peck's with 4, the Gallups with 5, and the Sessions with 6. Obviously the Robison's stood out in that crowd with their piddly two kids and we were just scraping above the point of garnering frowns from little old ladies with our 3. But everyone knew about the adoptions and the infertility, so it was forgiven.

My best friend had 5 kids in her family, and my other best friends had 5, 9, and 11 respectively.

Growing up I sort of envied all the sibling relationships and the sheer volume of people inhabiting their households. It seemed more exciting. Less boring, and more likely you could find a sibling or two who you really liked.

People didn't pray about how many children they were going to have. To my knowledge most people had the number of children they physically could have. There may have been exceptions. But I can say with certainty that at least among my friends families, every mom had the number of children she was capable of having. Birth control was sinful and that was that.

Sometime in my teens the tone on that topic changed. I specifically remember a talk in a general conference on the topic and it reallly stuck in my head that they were saying that the mothers mental health needed to be taken into consideration when having children. An exhausted and depressed mother is not really an effective mother.

As I got older, I realized that having 10 children, for me, would be crazy talk. I am somewhat impatient and not that type of person at all. Yet in some weird way growing up it had seemed like such a badge of honor to have a lot of children, that I had pretty much accepted that is what you were suppose to do if you could.

And I know people have their religious reasons sometimes why they think they should have a large family. But it never seemed to be about that to me - it seemed that it was just de rigeur.

By the time I got married in the late 80s, there were no more thoughts of having lots of kids for me. I knew I probably would never have more than 4 or 5 and I wasn't even sure about having that many.

I started talking a lot more with my friends who had come from those large families and you know what they all said? None of them wanted families as large as the ones they came from. My friend who came from the family with 11 kids talked about all the ways she felt ignored growing up as the 5th of 11. She talked about how no matter what she did to get attention, someone ahead of her had already done it. The lead in the school play? Your sister Rebecca did that two years ago. First chair in violin? You sister Kara did that 5 years ago. Lead soloist in the choir? Your sister Lanee did that 6 years ago. You won the award for best freshman artist? Ralph already did that. Everything she did earned her not much more than a pat on the head and sometimes not even that. She had a lot of resentment about it. When we were young I totally idealized her family. They seemed so perfect. But apparently, that was not how it felt growing up there.

I had a sense that how many kids I had were totally up to me. Well, me and my husband. It was our personal decision and no one else's. And I know where I got that idea - I got that idea from the church who told me under birth control in the Bishop's hand book (and on their website):

Birth Control

Children are one of the greatest blessings in life, and their birth into loving and nurturing families is central to God’s purposes for humanity. When husband and wife are physically able, they have the privilege and responsibility to bring children into the world and to nurture them. The decision of how many children to have and when to have them is a private matter for the husband and wife.

Notice it doesn't say anywhere there that you have to have as many children as you can. Notice also it says the number is a private matter for husband and wife. Now if you want to read further on that topic the church also says this:

God has a plan for the happiness of all who live on the earth, and the birth of children in loving families is central to His plan. The first commandment He gave to Adam and Eve was to “be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). The scriptures declare, “Children are a heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Those who are physically able have the blessing, joy, and obligation to bear children and to raise a family. This blessing should not be postponed for selfish reasons.

Sexual relations within marriage are not only for the purpose of procreation, but also a means of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual ties between husband and wife.

Husband and wife are encouraged to pray and counsel together as they plan their families. Issues to consider include the physical and mental health of the mother and father and their capacity to provide the basic necessities of life for their children.

Decisions about birth control and the consequences of those decisions rest solely with each married couple. Elective abortion as a method of birth control, however, is contrary to the commandments of God.

Having children should not be delayed for shelfish reasons.

Husbands and wives are encouraged to pray and counsel together as they plan their families.

Sexual relations are not only for pro-creation but to strengthen marriage.

Issues which should be considered in planning children are health of the mother, emotional/mental health, and financial capabilities to provide.

Abortion should not be used as birth control. All other birth control is a private decision of the couple.

So I can be down with all of those thoughts and points. Wise thoughts. Good points.

But what is really weird to me is that after we moved to Arizona I kept hearing woman talk very weirdly about these decisions. One girl I knew said she wished she was done having kids but that Heavenly Father had not told her yet that she was done.

What?

Do we not have free agency? Did you not just say that you wish you were done? Does God not expect us to use our brains? I didn't know I needed some sort of revelation that I was done. Some sort of directive. What I thought I was suppose to do based on the information and advice given by my church leaders was to use my head, make a decision based on all the information available to me, make that decision in conjunction with my husband and then check in with God and let him know my thoughts - if he disagreed or wanted to tell me differently, then I guess he'd have something to say, otherwise it was my decision.

So that's what I did. And I never looked back. I always felt totally secure in that decision. It was right for me, it was right for my husband and I think it was right for my kids (though sometimes I wish Jordan had been a twin so she could entertain herself a bit more - but the upside is she and Brennan really do hang out a lot, which I don't think would have happened if she had a little sister or a sister her age). Basically I felt that I made a reasoned, thought through decision. I let God know what I thought. He and I talk everyday. He never disagreed with me so I thought that was that.

Still do.

So what is up with all the girls who think God will tell them when to stop? Why should God tell you that? I don't get it at all. And I guess if you really want to have a lot of kids, it's fine. But that's not what they say. They don't say "we really want to have a lot kids". That I can accept. It's not for me, but different strokes for different folks. I'm very laissez-faire about having much of opinion about other people's choices. What drives me insane is that they don't say that at all - what they say is "we are going to keep having them until heavenly father tells us to stop".

Doesn't the fact that you are saying that indicate to Heavenly Father that you're willing to have more kids?

I guess I'm a bigger believer in free will than some people.

I'm not really kidding about that either. I really think that I should make decisions and then consult God. Not the other way around.

There have definitely been times when God has had to step in with me and say "that's a bad idea". And when he does, I totally listen.

Anyway, lately, I'm really grateful I had 3. The perfect number for me.