Saturday, April 06, 2013

Fitful Sleep

The death of my blog.

That's what it feels like my new full time job and going to school and being a mom and struggling for a little tiny piece of sanity will do to my ability to keep up this little side project that I truly love.

My blog makes me happy.  Though I do keep a journal of sorts, I like to think that someday this blog would give future generations of people who were related to me a real sense of who I was/am.  The things I loved, the things I thought about and the things I wasn't so crazy about either.  Little obsessions, longings, goals and the ephemera of my brain in print. 

I'm not dreaming about pink fluffy clouds.  I sleep fitfully these days.  Trying to find a way to leave work at work.  Trying not to think too much about kids living in lock down facilities and treatment centers.  Trying not to think too much about how rarely real love and kindness enters into the lives of some.  How lucky so many of us are and we don't appreciate it.

Trying to look for the good in the bad.  And finding it sometimes in surprising spaces and people.

But I still also care about the best turquoise walls, Charlie Hunnam, and perfectly mermaid blue pools too.

Those things trivial comparatively to my ethics course and my desire to understand the ins and outs of the "system" many kids find themselves living within.

But at the same time it almost makes some of those things More important too.  If you can't find the time to make your space what you want - if you can't find the time to read or appreciate the little things - you'll crack.

So I'm still trying to find that balance and I'm not there yet. 

I have a feeling the next 2 years will be both incredibly rough and incredibly rewarding. 


I Am Boymom said...

Hey Lezlee - you know I was one of those kids who somehow escaped the system, but still grew up being bounced from home to home, feeling unloved, unwanted, being abused physically, verbally and sexually. Your chosen career puts you in a unique position to help a few of these kids learn to cope and navigate their situations with some hope that there is something better for them on the other side. Know what you do will make a difference for someone and give them a shot at a normal life. And even if you can't write a lot, stop by your blog once in a while just to check in. Cuz even though I don't comment often, I love your posts. And I love you too!

Bandanamom said...

Thank you Geri, I appreciate that perspective. I do think there are good outcomes and one thing I can already see is how resilient some children are and how we are in a position to give them the resources to help them succeed. I am hoping as I become better at the job and more fully trained I'll be able to find more time to do other things and hopefully that will include keeping the blog at least somewhat up to date!


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