Friday, April 27, 2012

Today I probably shouldn't be blogging...

Blogging when you've had an exceptionally crappy day is kind of like drunk dialing.  It's really not a great idea and you probably should just not do it.

I'm just way out of sorts.

I don't know what this blog is suppose to be anymore.  I love all the design and decor stuff and it's so popular (all things being relative - I realize some people have 100,000 + visitors to their blog a month, I'm just getting up around the 8,000 mark...but still) and I really do love having a place where I can explore that part of my personality - the part that is really interested in decor, and art, and photography.  I just like pretty things.  I'm like a little kid that way.  I like the shiny stuff.

A long time ago I blogged more about my life, about disappointments or things I was doing, sometimes about my kids - milestones, etc.  Sometimes I even wrote more artistic or literary styled posts.  And the thing is I always really loved writing.  When I was a really little girl I sent away from the back of a magazine for one of the ads where you sent in a writing sample?  Those things are total scams - it's like that thing where you draw bird in the turtleneck?  or whatever he's suppose to be - and then they tell you that you should totally come to art school?  But anyway - I did that and I got this packet in the mail inviting me to join their writing program. I was so excited.  I was 10.  I'm pretty sure they never even read that story.  I went and told my mom the exciting news.  She had to break it to me.  Which really sucked.

The thing is I have a lot to say.  I have really interesting stuff and terrible stuff and sad stuff and disappointing stuff - I have a lot of stuff in my life I could write about.

But I always kind of stop myself - I always hold back a little because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  I don't want to say things that make people uncomfortable.  I don't want to come off the wrong way.  In short, I worry way too much about what people think of me to REALLY be a writer.  If you're going to be a writer, you just have to go for it, and as of yet, I haven't quite figured out how to do that.

Today was terrible because it feels like my whole future is riding on things I can't control.  Or that I have very very little control of.  And I hate that feeling.  I hate  worrying about things like that.  And I hate that I'm not just naturally smarter.   I hate that this math and statistics stuff feels like it's going to be the end of me.  That just sounds so stupid.  If someone else was saying this I would tell them to just put on their big girl panties and shut up.

And I really want to write about all the things that have been happening in my life.  How sometimes my days vacillate between being totally hopeful and grateful for all these amazing things that I love and at other times I am just filled with abject fear and terror.  

I was driving home from Scottsdale tonight and just feeling super sad about so many things today that I just couldn't control.  And I just felt so tired.  Like every bone in my body is bruised.  And then I rolled open the sunroof, and I rolled down the window and the smells of Phoenix just hit me.  How it smells like cut grass and kind of swampy because we have so many canals and so much irrigation, and then an instant later it smelled like hickory wood from a restaurant stove, and then a slight perfume - and that air is just that temperature that you know if there is a temperature in heaven, that's what it will be.   And all the twinkling lights when I came up over the hill on Lincoln Drive heading back down into Phoenix again - towards home.  And for a minute, it seemed like somehow everything would be okay. 

That's really all.  Today just sucked and I probably shouldn't be blogging.


Raven Blackmane said...

I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now. Don't worry about things too much because then you'll experience your very first anxiety attack and those are not fun at all. There are times when things suck so bad I have to write about it, on paper or on my blog. It gives me a time of reflection as I write. It gives me a sense of undoing the anger, aggravation and stress. Then I keep my "everything sucked today" writings where I can access them on a good day or happen to stumble upon them when I've forgotten that I had hid them. When I re-read that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day note, it makes me feel pretty good. We endured yet another awful experience and not think about when the next one will be. And when there is another day that sucks, and the world feels like its squishing you down, there's valium for that.

Suzanne Barker said...

Yeah, What Christina said.
Really, It is going to be ok. It doesn't always turn out the way I think I want it to, but in the end, it's ok.


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