How I spent my Summer Vacation (and really every month since March)
When you feel low grade worry all the time it’s very difficult to do any of things you wish you could do. I have started approximately 30 books and finished almost none of them. I just can’t focus. I give myself the same recommendations I give my clients. Only focus on what you control, let go of what you can’t, know the difference.
Pre-covid almost every Friday night of the world I would go see a movie at the end of my workday. It was the perfect way to transition into a “weekend” (even though now, I almost always also see clients on Saturdays). Sometimes I would go with people, but a lot of the time I would go alone. I have always found that very freeing because I can go to any old weird obscure movie I want and I don’t have to worry about anyone else liking it. When I left the movie and drove home after it would always feel like I was leaving with a fresh perspective and no thoughts of my week/client problems, etc. With this option taken away, it has felt like my main coping skill was also gone. Trying to watch movies at home feels almost impossible. I usually end up watching a tv show I don’t care about very much.
I peruse social media and feel annoyed with a lot of things I see. I take breaks from it, but somehow it often feels like the only connection to the real world outside of work and family that I have. Sometimes it is very hard for me to understand people who seem to not care about politics or people’s lived reality.
My family has been ill - probably not Covid (though this is still somewhat unclear) but long term illness now going on two months with more than one family member and it is so disheartening. I just want to fix everyone and I want it to be over for them. It is very hard not to feel that always in the back of my mind as something I need to focus on. It has meant trips to the ER and Urgent Care and all of us getting Covid tested and isolating myself at times. Having to cancel client appointments, which always makes me feel guilty. But nothing is more important than my family and if anything this pandemic has made that even more apparent.
My one sanity has been my pool, swimming and floating and being in the sun until it almost feels like I am hallucinating. I’ve never been so tan except maybe when I was 14. Last night my pool equipment literally blew up. Like an explosion. My son called to me in my room to come and see what was happening. I heard the loud boom. I thought it was a transformer or something. I had taken an Ambien 30 minutes before because I can literally never sleep. So when I walked out there standing in all the water that was running everywhere, all I could think of was that I had just that day been thinking of what a blessing that pool is and how much I love it, and that somehow I blew up that equipment with the power of my mind. Ambien makes me think weird things sometimes.
Other things I fixate on: I have major plumbing problems that need attention but I also don’t have 15K to spend on them so I try praying they won’t be eminently problematic, I need a new roof, I need new flooring, my power bills are crazy this summer.
Sometimes I marco polo with friends and other times I can’t watch them or respond because it feels like too much to explain my thoughts.
Even still with everything on the days I work I see around 8-10 clients. That’s 8-10 hours of focus I need to find within me. I love my job. I love helping people. I love being a therapist. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to provide what is needed right now.
I need my oil changed in my car. I need my tires aligned. I need to buy actual groceries and not just eat tomatoes or takeout salads. I need to clean out my car. I need to follow up on my own medical appointments. I need to clean out drawers and cupboards and the laundry room and 22 other projects. I need to dust. In my spare time it feels like I cannot muster the energy or focus to accomplish these tasks. My dryer has venting issues which makes me feel like I never want to have to tackle laundry because it’s time consuming and expensive to run the dryer 7000 times.
I did get new glasses so that’s a win. Maybe my one win of the whole summer.
Decidedly not a win - I wanted to make my backyard more “cute” and hung italian lights outside and felt like such a genius sweating to death and climbing up on dangerous objects to hang them. Half way through I fell and broke about 60 of them with glass everywhere. I did get all the glass cleaned up so I guess that was a #smallwin.
What am I even saying? What I am saying is that everything feels like a huge weight and like nothing matters all at the same time and I think the collective stress of so many people is something I can feel deep inside me. And I am not saying that about clients - I can compartmentalize my clients concerns (usually) - but I am saying in the world right now there is collective hurt and difficulty and I can feel that.
Things that still help me: driving all the way to mesa for a diet soda with coconut and raspberry, driving with the music loud especially at night, or just driving period. Watching Trixie Mattel you tube videos. Eating raw tomatoes with expensive feta. Wearing my favorite perfume. Spending time with my kids (and grandkids but this has out of necessity been very limited). Talking to or texting friends. Breathing and meditating. Connecting to my spiritual beliefs. Candles and baths. My pool - basically anything involving water. Sunsets.
I guess what I want you to know is that even though I am feeling all of this - I am still happy. Underneath it all I feel grateful. I know I am lucky to have so many of the things I do have.
I am still ultimately a hopeful and positive person. I like to believe all of this is happening for us - for me, even the worst things. Somehow in the future maybe it will all make more sense.
Most of you know I went through a divorce about a decade ago (feels longer and also shorter than that). At the time it seemed like the worst possible thing that could happen to me. I wasn’t able to see how things would ever be okay. But what I learned was - they were. I was okay. And even though I definitely would not have chosen that path for myself or for my kids, I also can see now that there were things I gained.
Someday - maybe we will see all that we gained during this time. Maybe I will see all that I have gained, or my family has gained, and it will all make a little more sense. And maybe by then, my plumbing problems will be all worked out and I’ll be able to turn into a voracious reader again.
That’s the belief I’m going to hang onto.
