I remember:
I remember when I was 17 years old and there was a specific
moment in time when while taking a bath in my white porcelain tub and staring
down at my thighs and feet popping out of the water. I remember thinking that this moment was a
moment I should remember. I was on the
cusp of graduating and still a kid but almost an adult. I had spent the majority of my junior and
senior year of high school in a kind of funk and depression about life. I remember thinking for the first time, in a
very long time, that maybe I could get past the depression.
I can barely remember
now what all the reasons for the depression were. I think they had to do with fitting in, with
being enough, and believing I wasn’t enough of any of the right things and too
many of the wrong things. In that moment
in the bathtub I had some moment of clarity. I remember feeling the depression
sort of lifting away from my body and melting into the tub with the bubbles and
the water and eventually circling the drain as I got out. Even though I don’t remember or even any
longer understand all the reasons why I was depressed, I remember that it felt
very overwhelming at the time. The tenor
and magnitude of the depression is still a vivid memory for me. It felt like a secret burden I carried around
with me all the time, like an invisible backpack no one else could see. The moment
in the bathtub was also a moment when I saw a vision of what the future could
be. I began to believe just the tiniest
bit in an adult version of myself, and I began in the smallest way to suspect
that maybe after all, I really was enough.
My body suddenly seemed a little better than it had
an hour before. My mind felt clear. For the first time I began to envision a
future for myself. It was the beginning
of adulthood and the ending of childhood and I had the good fortune to feel and
experience the transition.
3 comments:
I've lost touch with my blog as well, it's hard to write when you're feeling overwhelmed by other things. I might do the prompt thing as well.
I appreciate your sharing this personal experience. Being able to recognize that transition must have been such an enlightening and freeing moment for you! I'm waiting for a transition moment myself right now. Hoping I'm aware enough to recognize it when it happens. Thanks again for sharing your very personal experience, Lezlee. I have always found you to be a very intelligent, capable and accomplished woman!
I've lost touch with my blog as well, it's hard to write when you're feeling overwhelmed by other things. I might do the prompt thing as well.
I appreciate your sharing this personal experience. Being able to recognize that transition must have been such an enlightening and freeing moment for you! I'm waiting for a transition moment myself right now. Hoping I'm aware enough to recognize it when it happens. Thanks again for sharing your very personal experience, Lezlee. I have always found you to be a very intelligent, capable and accomplished woman!
Yeah! You are back!
So Glad for all the many things you bring.
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